“The guy that hit me was apologizing to me and the officer and anyone that would listen. You could smell the alcohol all over his breath and the cop arrested him at the scene, but later I found out he was released on bail, even before he got to the precinct. When I got to the hospital, they um… they told me that I had lost…” She shifted from one leg to the next and closed her eyes. Her body shook with emotions, but as she opened her eyes, they were clear. It took a lot for Ayana to cry. Her eyes would get teary, and she may whimper, but she never breaks. That shield she keeps up prevents any form of vulnerability, which if you haven’t guessed it, is my problem.
“God, Brad, I was distraught, devastated. It felt like I lost a piece of me and you for a second time all in one. That’s when I got into kickboxing. I wanted to numb the pain and I didn’t want to medicate it. It felt okay knowing that this guy was going to pay for what he did, but that didn’t happen.” I frowned and she nodded her head. “Yeah, he was let go without even a slap on the wrist. The part about him being drunk was never on the police report. The many witnesses that told me at the scene they would help me get this drunk son of a bitch put away, caught amnesia when they found out who the guy that hit me was. He was a Santos.”
“I was so enraged with vengeance that I couldn’t see straight. I wanted justice. I wanted that fucking family to pay for what they took from me. That’s why I left here and moved to Ohio. I thought that if I left, I would leave all the feelings here, but I was losing my mind being there. Every day, I kept thinking about what happened and how he got away with murder. So I decided to come back, hoping that I could figure out a way for atonement. Finally, I got my chance. When I helped Noelle and found out who was behind her getting beaten, and the killing of that young girl, I thought I was finally going to make this right.”
She then told me everything she had been doing to help bring Santos down: the fighting, the underground betting, the young girls being sold. She told me about going to the Feds and getting help and told me what went down with that piece of shit that was in my hotel.
I moved closer to her. “Why couldn’t you have told me all of this when I asked you to?”
“I didn’t want to put you in the middle of it Bradley. I wanted to protect you.”
“Shit, Ayana, I’m not a damn kid.”
“I know you’re not.”
I took a few deep breaths to try and calm down. Resolve finally hit me. I knew this would never be more than what it was, and I didn’t feel as though I deserved this at all.
“You don’t trust me, do you?” I said to her.
She frowned, confusion covering her face. “What do you mean? Of course, I trust you.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. Ayana, if you trusted me, you would have told me all of this by now. When I told you I felt something was off with you, you downplayed it. You made it seem like I was seeing things or that I didn’t know you. I could tell you were hurting. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked you, you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. That’s the problem. I trust you with my life. I tell you everything and I know for a fact, without a doubt, that you have my back. But unfortunately, you don’t feel the same way about me.”
“God, Bradley, that’s not true.” Ayana moved quickly to touch me, but I wouldn’t let her. “I finally get it now. No matter how hard I try, you won’t let me in there.” I pointed to her chest, and then looked in her eyes. “That’s where I want to be, Ayana. It’s where I need to be, but you won’t open yourself to me completely. You only give me half of you, the fun side, the sensual side and you give me the aftermath that I have to help clean up, but you won’t give me the damaged side of you, the vulnerable side.”
“No, Bradley, you are there. I love you so much.” She moved to me and this time, I let her touch me. I couldn’t stop myself from letting her after seeing the whites of her eyes turn blood shot red and moisten with every step she took toward me. I didn’t let it waver what I needed to say though. This had to be said, so when I left, I could say I laid it all out on the table.
“I have no doubt that you do, that’s one thing I can say that I know. I know you love me but, Ana, it’s just not enough. I won’t settle for half of you. I can’t. And I don’t know if you’re just not capable of letting me in or you don’t want to, but that’s what I want. I feel it’s only right because you are everything to me. I let you feel that every second of every day, but I can’t say you make me feel that at all. Just when I think I do, I find you lying in your own pool of blood bleeding to death, or I find you dying in a dirty ass bathroom and I’m fucking oblivious to what’s going on. I don’t want that in my life anymore. I just can’t.”